


Stay the Night

by indistinct_echo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Getting Together, M/M, Possibly Aro-Spec Character, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28897272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indistinct_echo/pseuds/indistinct_echo
Summary: Phil reaches out to him first. Dan had been perfectly content curling up on his side of the bed, not wanting to take up any more of Phil’s space than necessary in the face of his generosity. And it’s just a brush of a hand along Dan’s arm, but the touch leaves gooseflesh in its wake.Dan lets himself shift a little closer in the hopes that Phil will do it again. He does.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 47
Kudos: 98
Collections: Phandomreversebang face the music





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the PhandomReverseBang :) Thank you to Caro for the beta and to @artlessdynamite for the [art](https://artlessdynamite.tumblr.com/post/640956533379923968/stay-the-night).
> 
> Prompt: Bed sharing with unarticulated feelings & Friends by Ed Sheeran

“Would it be okay if I sleep in here tonight?”

“ _Um…_ sure?”

_

Dan isn’t usually nervous around Phil, but tonight is an exception. There’s no phone call from his parents that he wants to get away from, no real reason for him to want to spend another night in Phil’s bed other than that’s the place where Phil happens to be.

But Phil beams when Dan walks into the room, and that somehow makes everything okay. Asking to share Phil’s bed again is less embarrassing than he thought it would be, than it had felt when he practiced earlier in his mirror, worried that he’d sound silly and childish and clingy. Dan knows he is all of those things, but he doesn’t want Phil letting him into his bed out of pity.

It certainly doesn’t feel like pity when, once they’ve turned out all of the lights and finally committed to putting down their phones, Phil whispers, “I’m glad you’re here.”

_

Dan knocks, stepping into Phil’s room with the question on the tip of his tongue, but Phil pulls back the corner of the duvet for him without him even needing to ask.

_

“Are you almost done with the editing? I want to go to bed soon.”

_

Phil reaches out to him first. Dan had been perfectly content curling up on his side of the bed, not wanting to take up any more of Phil’s space than necessary in the face of his generosity. And it’s just a brush of a hand along Dan’s arm, but the touch leaves gooseflesh in its wake.

Dan lets himself shift a little closer in the hopes that Phil will do it again. He does.

_

Dan wakes up panting, disoriented from the vivid absurdity of his nightmare. He must’ve rolled over to the far side of the bed in his sleep amidst all of his unconscious thrashing. He’s lucky Phil hasn’t thrown him out of his bed yet. Phil is too selfless to do that, Dan realizes, but it still feels like a kindness he doesn’t fully deserve.

Even so, he can’t quite stop himself from taking advantage of Phil’s proximity, especially when his heart is beating this quickly and all of the shadows look menacing enough to bite. He reaches out his left hand to find Phil’s right and entwines their fingers. He lets out a shaky breath.

He hadn’t thought Phil was awake and sincerely hopes he hasn’t just woken him up, but Dan can’t deny how much he appreciates the squeeze of his hand that follows. He’s safe.

_

Dan smiles when he feels Phil’s arms tighten around him. It hasn’t been that long since they’ve started this, but Dan already recognizes that he hasn’t slept this well in quite some time.

They’re facing each other, with Dan tucked underneath Phil’s chin. He loves that he gets to fall asleep to the heartbeat of his best friend.

_

Phil is lying on his side with his head propped up on one arm. Dan can feel Phil looking at him, despite the majority of his focus being on the phone in his hands. After another minute of aimless scrolling, he puts his phone down and turns to mirror Phil.

“What?” he asks.

Phil does what Dan assumes is a shrug, though the motion is somewhat hindered by his horizontalness.

“It’s really cool that we can just be in bed like this, and it’s so normal. It feels like nothing, somehow, even though with anyone else I bet it’d feel super weird.”

Dan furrows his brow.

“Usually, when I’m sharing beds with people, I’m hyper-aware of my flailing limbs and am all stressed out and stuff. But with you I don’t care about things like that, no offense. I do mean it as a compliment.”

“So, it’s different because it’s not a hookup?” Dan asks.

“No, I think it’s different because it’s us.”

Dan hums, considering. “Yeah, I think that’s probably true.”

He means it — being in bed with Phil _does_ feel different from any other time he’s shared a bed with someone — but he doesn’t agree with Phil’s assessment that it feels like ‘nothing.’

Maybe that’s because he has minimal experience with bed-sharing. The person he’s shared with the most over the years is Adrian, though that was less of a choice and more of a necessity, given the tight budget his family always had when on holiday.

Phil’s bed is probably the same size as a standard hotel queen, but while there never seemed to be enough space when sharing with his brother — even when they were kids and half the size he and Phil are now — Dan hasn’t felt at all cramped these last few weeks.

His ex-girlfriend is the only other semi-regular bed-partner Dan has ever had. But that always required him positioning himself so that she could be the little spoon; he never had a chance to think about how nice it would be for _him_ to be held. With Phil, he doesn’t even have to ask.

And that means everything.

_

The shitty landlord refuses to fix the shitty heating, but Dan doesn’t quite mind. How could he, when it means he gets to press even closer to Phil, gets to press two cold palms against his torso beneath his shirt for warmth?

He doesn’t even mind that the shapes and patterns Phil draws on his back give him chills.

_

Dan’s cracking his knuckles and biting his lip and spiraling about all of the complications of his audience now being big enough that they can get together and talk about him behind his back. No matter how he thinks about it, he can’t find a way to get it all to just _stop_ without sacrificing this profession that he loves.

The chaos in his mind only stills when Phil reaches over and takes his hands, preventing him from continuing to wring them.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan likes that Phil didn’t ask if everything was alright when things so clearly aren’t. They’ve already discussed it all, even nearly fought over it a couple of times, but his mind just keeps going in circles and circles and cir—

“Dan, can you look at me for a second?”

He blinks his eyes back into focus and turns towards Phil whose concern is etched deep into the creases of his forehead. Dan wants to smooth out the tension there with his thumb, so he does.

Dan can feel Phil’s gaze as he runs his fingers over Phil’s face, but he avoids making eye contact as best as he can.

Only once he’s dropped his hand unceremoniously back onto the duvet does Phil speak again, this time in a whisper.

“I like that, with you here, I don’t have to worry about you pacing all night in your room.”

Dan feels a pang in his chest; he never intended for Phil to worry, and he doesn’t want him to do so now. He tries to make it into a joke to prove that he’s okay.

“The best part of me being here is that I can just whack you if you start to snore instead of having to try and drown it out with my pillow.”

Phil doesn’t seem quite convinced by Dan’s topic-switching act, but he thankfully still goes along with it.

“Hey!” he says. “I don’t snore.”

Dan huffs. “Try telling your noisy nose nostrils that, mate.”

“I absolutely will not.”

Phil pauses.

“But I guess if it’ll get you to stay, maybe I can put in a tune recommendation?”

_

They’re watching anime off of Phil’s laptop that’s resting on his legs, and Dan can feel all of the places he’s pressed against Phil in his effort to try and get a better view. It’s distracting to the point where it becomes a choice between staying next to Phil and being able to pay attention to anything on the screen.

He doesn’t move away.

_

Phil comes into the room with a plateful of freshly-nuked chocolate chip cookies. Dan watches as he carefully climbs onto the bed and then holds the plate out to Dan like an offering.

Dan doesn’t understand how Phil knew that he needed this. Or, even more inexplicable, why his grumpiness and irritability not only hasn’t run Phil off but instead has him treating Dan extra sweetly today.

“Thanks,” he says as he grabs a cookie. He shoves it into his mouth as Phil turns to put the plate on the nightstand. “Love you.”

He immediately starts choking on the cookie and coughs to clear his throat.

_What the fuck is his brain on today?_

Phil hums. “I love you, too,” he says, twisting back to face Dan before leaning forward and kissing him on the forehead.

_Okay, what the double fuck?_

Phil’s eyes go wide. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I didn’t ask. I didn’t even think about it because that’s something that my parents do, and it’s like a little quirk of theirs or something, and I guess I just picked it up, like, genetically. Well, not genetically, but habitually except without that ever happening before, so just by sight—”

Dan tries to cut off the spiral before it can build more steam. “Hey, hey, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Phil closes his mouth, but he still looks agitated. And, while Dan’s glad the heat has been taken off of his own embarrassment from earlier, he really doesn’t want Phil to stress about this either.

What Phil did wasn’t even embarrassing, really. Well, maybe a little, but for a reason that makes it just as embarrassing for Dan — Phil essentially compared the both of them to Kath and Nigel, which means he and Phil must be pretty fucking married for two best mates.

And, though Dan is kind of shocked, he did actually mean it when he said the forehead-kiss was fine. It’s not really that different from what’s normal for them, and there’s no special rule that says Phil’s lips touching his forehead has to be weird. They brush each other’s fringes out of the way all of the time, and Dan _likes_ when they do it; there’s no reason why this needs to be treated any differently.

But Phil’s now biting his lip — _punishing the guilty party,_ Dan thinks wryly — and that means Phil’s nerves haven’t yet been fully soothed. Maybe, if Dan were on the top of his game today, he’d be able to come up with a bunch of ways to make Phil feel better, but, as it is, he can only think of one.

“Do it again,” he says, and Phil’s gaze immediately snaps to meet his own. “I’m telling you it’s completely okay, and this proves it. If I’m asking you to, then you doing so can’t be wrong, right?”

“It’s impossible for something to be ‘wrong-right,’” Phil mumbles. He seems to be focusing on the wrong part of the sentence, but it’s more than likely just an effort to stall.

That’s okay. Phil can take as much time as he needs. Dan will always be right here.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s not often that Dan thinks himself dealt the best hand, but he can’t help but feel sorry for every single other person in the world for not being in his place right now. There’s nowhere he’d rather be than in Phil’s arms.

If this is how the universe decided to make up for the first eighteen awful years of his life, Dan thinks he got the better end of the bargain, overall.

_

Phil has his editing program open on his laptop, but he isn’t doing any work. They normally don’t edit in bed — it’s one of their rules — but Phil had lost most of the day to a headache and, now that he’s feeling better, he’s somehow convinced Dan that, as long as he keeps the lights off, he should be able to edit just fine.

Presumably, that was true, at least until Dan walked in.

He’d only come to bed to keep Phil company and planned to fuck around on his phone until they decided to go to sleep for real. But then he got distracted by all of the colors and shapes playing over the contours of Phil’s face and, well, he couldn’t tear his gaze away, not even when Phil caught him staring. It’s not like Phil actually called him out on it; he just started staring at Dan too.

Dan doesn’t often have the chance to _look,_ to take in the ways that Phil has physically matured in the few short years that they’ve known each other.

His hair is tamer now, and his stubble grows more quickly than it used to, though Dan can’t see any in the dim light of the laptop screen. He has more confidence these days, and it’s evident in the way that he holds himself, no longer slouching into rounded shoulders whenever they’re in public.

Dan’s heart warms; it’s really been _lovely_ getting to grow up beside him.

The two of them are so close now, both spatially and emotionally — he could lean over and kiss Phil if he wanted to. And, now that he’s thinking about it, he does actually kind of want to. There’s a very curious corner of his mind that aches to know what it would feel like. He’s pretty sure he’d enjoy it — it’s Phil, after all, and Dan likes everything with him.

Phil would be okay with it, he thinks. They’ve generally been more tactile recently, sometimes even when not in bed. And continuing the things they do outside of bed is a hell of a lot scarier than trying something new while huddled in a cocoon of duvets.

He likes that nothing is off limits in Phil’s bed. His own bedroom — if he can still call it that — never felt safe in the same way that this one does.

But maybe that says more about Phil than the bedroom itself; he has a way of making it seem like anything is possible and then finding a way to make it so. It’s how he convinced Dan to start his YouTube channel, it’s how they plucked up the courage to move in together, it’s how leaning forward and pressing his lips to Phil’s seems like totally not a big deal.

So, he starts to lean in and lets his gaze flicker down to Phil’s lips. But, when he looks back up, he catches the widening of Phil’s eyes, and that’s when the nerves finally kick in, strong enough to make him instinctively recoil and shift back towards his side of the bed. It’s only then that he notices the intensity of his heartbeat, and he tries to surreptitiously take a few deep breaths.

 _Nothing happened,_ he tries to convince himself, _there’s no reason to be tense._

But Phil doesn’t let him get away with it.

“Were you going to kiss me?” he asks, and Dan tries to listen carefully to the tone of the question over the sound of blood rushing through his ears. Phil doesn’t sound angry or upset, just curious.

“What? No, of course not.”

Phil makes a sound of disbelief, but Dan doesn’t put in any effort to convince him. 

_Whatever, there are worse things than Phil not falling for his very obvious lie. At least now they can move on. Maybe Phil will actually get back to the editing he’s supposed to be doing..._

But, no. Instead, Phil shoves the laptop to the side and then rolls over so that he’s hovering over Dan, his hands pressing into the pillow on either side of his head.

Phil sounds a lot more serious this time. “Dan. Were you going to kiss me?”

There’s nowhere to hide, and Dan knows the truth is written all over his face. He swallows and nods.

“Yes,” he whispers.

“Okay then.”

Phil rolls back off of him and retrieves his laptop before Dan can work up the courage to ask Phil what he meant by that.

Dan doesn’t think the shitty heating is the reason why he suddenly feels so cold. He doesn’t know what Phil’s thinking or where they now stand. He isn’t even sure if he’s allowed to cuddle up close for warmth anymore.

But he doesn’t ask, and Phil doesn’t offer any unprompted answers.

The chill in his bones is only one reason why sleep doesn’t come easy that night.

_

“Can we talk about it?”

“Hm?” Dan asks, not taking his attention off of his phone. He had heard Phil just fine, but he wants to delay this conversation for as long as possible; he had spent half the day avoiding Phil out of fear that he would bring it up.

This isn’t the way things are supposed to work between them. Dan’s never felt awkward or naïve around Phil before, and he doesn’t like that going after what he wanted is now making him feel both of those things.

Maybe that means they do actually need to talk it out. _Fuck._ He puts his phone down and then forces himself to look Phil in the eye. “Yeah, sorry, we can talk.”

“So…” Phil starts. “You almost kissed me last night.”

Dan swallows down his embarrassment. “I almost did, yes.” He pauses, thinking. Then he asks, “What were your feelings about that?”

“Well, first, what were _your_ feelings about that? You’ve never tried to kiss me before, I don’t think.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re not very slick trying to turn this back on me. But just so you can’t argue — I never tried before because the idea had never occurred to me. Then last night it did, and I thought ‘huh, I wonder what that’s like.’ And voilà. Almost kiss.”

He juts his chin in Phil’s direction. “Now you.”

Phil sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I was surprised and nervous and- and I was glad you didn’t go through with it.”

There’s a sinking feeling in Dan’s chest. He reminds himself that this isn’t the end of the world; just like he’s allowed to want something, Phil’s allowed to _not_ want something, and that doesn’t make it embarrassing for Dan to have wanted it in the first place.

“Because before you kiss me — if you’re planning to try again, that is — there’s something I need to tell you.”

Dan isn’t really sure he’s following.

“It’s not a secret, and it’s not that I didn’t _want_ to tell you, but it just never came up, like, specifically- well, it kind of did, but it was easier to not get into it, and also I was kind of scared even though I knew I didn’t have to be, so I never said anything. But like, if we’re going to kiss, I think it’s only fair if you know, you know?”

“Um, no, I don’t. What are you talking about?”

Phil takes a deep breath.

“I’m gay.”

_

They’re wrestling. It isn’t something they typically do, but Dan was in the mood to both start some shit and cuddle, and this was his brain’s idea of a compromise.

But the competing aggressive and affectionate desires must get knocked out of whack during their tussle because, as soon as Dan gets Phil pinned, he stops, uses his free hand to brush Phil’s fringe out of his eyes, and asks, “Can I kiss you now?”

The words leave his mouth before he’s even really considered them. Kissing just so clearly feels like the next logical step in their relationship; there’s nothing he wants more than to be close to Phil, and kissing is simply an untapped well of connection.

Phil looks up at him with surprise written all over his face. “You’re okay with knowing that it might be different for me?”

“Because you’re gay?” Dan’s voice holds steady, but his heart flutters on the word.

Phil swallows and nods.

Dan doesn’t know how to explain that his desire to kiss Phil isn’t really tied to some overarching sexuality, whatever _that_ is. And it’s not that he doesn’t think of Phil as male, but he also doesn’t think of him specifically as a man either. He’s just Phil, and that’s what matters most.

But that feels too heavy and complicated to talk about right now — he doesn’t have a neat little word to sum it all up the way that Phil had when he came out — and it’s much easier to make a flirty joke. So he smirks. “Guess that just means I have the extra responsibility of making sure you enjoy it.”

“Hey! You’ll hopefully like it too, even if it’s not the same.”

Dan very much wants that to be true. “There’s only one way to find out,” he mumbles, more to himself than for Phil’s sake. 

“Then, yeah,” Phil says with a small smile, “you can kiss me.”

So, without another word, Dan lowers his head and closes his eyes right before their lips brush. 

Phil kisses back slowly but immediately. Dan smiles against his mouth; the cautious enthusiasm feels so distinctly _Phil,_ and that’s all Dan’s ever wanted.

_

Phil leans over and kisses Dan goodnight.

_

Dan pulls back from Phil’s neck to stop himself from leaving a mark that can’t be covered up by a t-shirt, but Phil tightens the hand in Dan’s hair.

“Keep going,” he says between heavy breaths. “It’s worth it. I can film another day.”

It might just be the best sentence Dan’s ever heard.

_

“I’ve developed feelings,” Phil announces as he swings open the door and enters into the room.

“Good for you,” Dan says with a snort. “What kind of feelings are we talking about here, bub?”

Phil waves his hands around. “Romantic and sexual and fluttery ones.” He walks over to his side of the bed and belly-flops onto it. “I’m such a stereotype — you make me come once, and I’m suddenly an emotional, gooey mess.”

Dan blushes; what they did last night sounds so crass when Phil says it like that.

Then he processes the rest of what Phil said. At first, he can’t stop himself from thinking, _yeah, that does seem pretty queer,_ but he quickly dismisses the thought when he realizes that it was spoken in the voice of his former school bullies. The thoughts in his own voice aren’t saying anything like that — they’re too busy focusing on the ‘you’ part of Phil’s declaration.

“These feelings… they’re for _me?”_ It feels so awkward to ask, but he needs to be sure.

Phil nods into his pillow.

_Well, shit._

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, “I wasn’t trying to make anything weird, the feelings just happened.”

Dan wants to run a soothing hand down Phil’s back, but isn’t sure if that would help the situation.

“What can I do to help?”

Phil rearranges himself until he’s sitting cross-legged and facing Dan.

“Be here?” His voice cracks on the second word. “I know that’s not really fair to ask, and obviously you don’t _have_ to, but, yeah, that’s what would help.”

Dan has so many more questions on the tip of his tongue, but he isn’t sure it’s okay for him to ask. Phil spares him by sighing, running a hand through his hair, and then continuing to explain.

“I’m not asking you to stay to, like, be _with_ you. I’m asking because you’re my best friend. It’s fine that you don’t feel the same way, and I’m not like pining or hoping that’s going to change. These are just feelings, and I don’t want them to get in the way of everything that makes us _us.”_

“So, you don’t want anything to change?” Dan asks. “Even all of the bed-sharing and the… _other stuff?”_ He can’t bring himself to call it sex, even if he’s knows that’s what it technically is. The physical aspect just isn’t really the main point of what they’ve done, so it feels weird to call it something so base.

“Maybe if you were someone different, I’d feel like I needed to stop it in order to get my head back on straight, but you’re just you.” Phil shrugs.

Dan isn’t sure whether to smile or take offense. “What do you mean?”

“Other than when we first started talking, I’ve never really felt the need to impress you. I’m very comfortable being myself around you because well, you’re _Dan,_ and you never judge or make fun of me or anything. So, I don’t think I’m going to feel the need to make myself seem better or more impressive or change myself to get you to like me. Around you, my head always feels like it’s on straight.”

Dan swallows. He doesn’t know why there are tears suddenly pricking at the corners of his eyes. “And if I want something to change?”

Phil’s gaze goes steely. “Then it changes, no questions asked. Did you want to take some time to think about it? I can sleep in your room for a bit, if it helps — I know you sleep better here.”

Dan sighs. “I can’t imagine either one of us is going to get much sleep tonight. And if we’re both going to have shitty nights, the least we can do is spend it together.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dan knows he needs to think about his sexuality at some point. He doesn’t quite feel like he’s been putting it off, but he recognizes that it’s probably atypical to have never really considered it, especially given some of his and Phil’s more recent activities. He’s only even bothering to think about it now because Phil seems to have everything all figured out, and Dan’s never felt like they weren’t on the same page before.

But outside of Phil’s feelings for him, it just doesn’t seem relevant. He likes being near Phil, likes being able to ruffle his hair and hold his hand and make him come.

Phil said that none of that has to change. Dan is counting on that being true.

_

“How did you know you were gay?” Dan whispers into the space between his and Phil’s lips.

Everything is slow and gentle tonight, and the lamplight casts a shadow right along Phil’s cupid’s bow. Dan wants to kiss it, but he forces himself to stay still until Phil responds. It wasn’t meant to be a difficult question — Phil’s supposed to be the one who has all of this sorted — so he’s surprised when Phil bites his lip and then pushes Dan’s chest until he leans back enough that Phil can sit up properly.

“There isn’t a pretty little formula or anything,” Phil says with a look that makes Dan feel far too exposed. Like he understands that a formula is exactly what Dan was hoping for, some kind of way to conclusively measure all of his thoughts and experiences against everyone else’s. “It took a lot of introspection and fighting against my own shame to get to the understanding I have now.”

Dan has always considered himself to be thoughtful, but what does it say about him if his sexual and romantic orientations aren’t something that ever took up mental space in the first place? He’s dated girls to avoid speculation, he’s flirted with guys without wanting a romantic future with them, and he’s become close with Phil in ways that maybe wouldn’t pass as platonic to anyone else. His track record is too confusing for him to make sense of, and he hates the feeling of alienation from within his own mind.

“Is this just professional curiosity or are you thinking some thoughts?” Phil asks, reaching out to smooth Dan’s fringe and then sliding his hand down to cup his jaw.

Dan smiles. “Well, I’m always curious about you. You’re the most interesting person I know. But, yeah, maybe I’m also asking for other reasons.”

“You can talk to me about it if you want,” Phil says softly. “I know I have my own feelings mixed up in this, but I’ll do my best to stay impartial.”

“Does it hurt to have this kind of quasi-relationship with me?”

Phil shakes his head. “Not really. I mean, it’s not that different from always thinking you were great. There’s just this extra little switch that goes off now when I’m around you.”

“Like an internal lightbulb?”

Dan is skeptical, but Phil nods emphatically.

“Yeah, exactly. And that doesn’t need to be reciprocated to feel good, you know? It’s just nice getting to spend so much time around someone I like that much.”

Dan hums but otherwise doesn’t respond. He can’t, not without giving Phil potentially false hope.

Wanting to spend all of his time with Phil has _always_ been true of Dan’s experience. But how is he supposed to figure out if those are best-friend sorts of feelings or something else?

There was never some moment that made it all click, that made him suddenly think of Phil differently in the same way Phil said his feelings changed for Dan. Though if anyone were able to flip that switch in him, wouldn’t it be Phil? He’s never so compatible with somebody before.

The fact that no switch-flipping has happened... well, that must mean something, right?

_

Dan makes sure Phil is asleep before slipping his phone off of the nightstand and tucking it under the duvet long enough to turn the brightness down. And then he does what he is oft to do when he can’t sleep: a Wikipedia deep-dive.

The topics about which he reads don’t always relate to his own experience, so that fact that tonight’s research _does_ makes it all the more nerve-wracking.

But he takes notes and checks references, and, though he doesn’t come back with any answers, he at least feels more comfortable navigating the language and theories and ideas.

That’s probably the best he’s going to be able to do by himself at three in the morning.

_

“This might get confusing, just warning you. I don’t even know where this conversation will go once I’m done saying what I have planned.”

Phil smiles. “Dan, it’s just me.”

And that’s exactly it, isn’t it? In the end it’s always just Phil, even if he doesn’t fully know how to categorize that in his brain or word it in a way that anyone else will understand. He quickly pecks Phil on the lips and then pointedly ignores his shocked expression.

“Okay. So, I did some research.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Phil teases.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Well, what may surprise you is that until recently — until you — I never really thought about my sexuality. In school, I got bullied for what people assumed it was, for sure, but I was too busy trying to survive to give it much thought. And then, by the time that period of my life was over, there were so many negative associations that my brain just considered it too unsafe to think about. Or, well, that’s possibility number one.”

“There are multiple possibilities here?” Phil asks gently, without any discernible judgment in his tone.

Dan shrugs. “I can never really know how various life factors influenced it all, at least not without lots of therapy, so I’m just working with the options I can come up with for now.”

Phil puts a hand on Dan’s knee. “Can you tell me about the second?”

“The second is that, while I was dating people to keep my head down, I never actually considered whether or not I wanted to be romantically involved with them. So, maybe I was just taking relationship paths that I’d seen before without wondering if the kinds of attraction I was feeling matched up with the sorts that were expected in a romantic relationship.”

Phil frowns at that. “I don’t think I understand what you’re saying.”

“That’s alright,” Dan replies, placing his hand on top of Phil’s and giving it a squeeze. “One term I came across that would fit that possibility is ‘aromanticism.’”

“Oh, so like asexuality but for romantic attraction?”

Dan loves that Phil is willing to come into all of this as a blank slate without any expectations. He doesn’t try to mold Dan into somebody he’s not, and, even more than that, he’s always so willing to meet Dan where he is, even when Dan himself can’t pinpoint that location.

“Yeah, exactly. I’m pretty sure I don’t fit under the asexuality side of things, but…”

“But you’re thinking you might be aromantic?”

“Maybe not in all ways, but certain things I read seemed similar to my experiences.” Dan shakes his head. “It’s hard to know for sure. There are always other possibilities.”

Phil looks at him expectantly, so he continues.

“Well, this next one has to do with you—”

Phil cuts him off before he can start to explain. “Dan, you don’t need to figure out anything with me right now. I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings if what you’re experiencing doesn’t match what I am.”

“That’s sweet of you, but it’s also possible that I might be feeling feelings for you like you are for me.”

Phil’s eyes narrow, and he pulls his hand back from Dan’s knee. “Wait, what? I thought you were saying you might not be romantically attracted to people. Not to make this about me, but I’m definitely romantically attracted to you.”

Dan wants to grab Phil’s hand and return it to his knee. The contact had been grounding him in ways he hadn’t even realized until it was gone.

It’s quite similar to the possibility he’s currently trying to describe: that he _does_ feel romantically towards Phil but he simply never took notice of those feelings because he’s never been without them — he’s always been tethered so closely to Phil.

Dan runs a hand through his hair. “You said that when you started feeling those romantic feelings for me it felt like a switch had been flipped, right?” Phil nods. “Well, what if that switch had always been flipped for me?”

Phil tilts his head to the side. “Wouldn’t you know if that were the case?”

“Maybe,” Dan admits. “Or maybe I just chalked it all up to having a best friend for the first time and never realized I was feeling different kinds of best-friend feelings than most.”

Phil gets up from the bed. It’s the exact opposite of what Dan wants, especially when he starts to pace — pacing is _Dan’s_ thing, and he only does so when he’s really stressed. It can’t be a good sign that Phil’s doing it now.

“The flipside is that it’s totally possible all of your best-friend feelings are just that. And you have no way of knowing if that’s the case,” Phil says as he continues to walk back and forth across the far side of the room.

Dan looks down and nods. He recognizes he doesn’t really have much to offer here in terms of concrete explanations. He inhales a shaky breath and tries to will his eyes to stay dry.

“Hey, hey, come here,” Phil says, and suddenly he’s back on the bed and taking Dan in his arms. “This is a whole lot for me to take in, so it must be even more intense for you.”

Dan half-laughs, and he doesn’t mean for it to come out sounding as bitter as it does. “You have no idea.”

Phil pulls back and looks him in the eye. “Do you want to rain-check this? If this is all new stuff you’re exploring, there’s no need to cram it all in now. We can talk more later, or I can help you research, or—”

“I’m telling you about it now so you can be part of the process of figuring it all out. I know it’s not going to be a simple answer. But there are also parts of it that do seem kind of obvious to me. And those parts are all things that have to do with you.”

He takes a deep breath.

“A big reason why I’ve been able to get away with not thinking about it for so long is that everything has been so easy with you. You’re right that I don’t fully know how to separate best-friendship from something romantic because with you I never even had to think about making that distinction. Instead, I was able to spend my time wondering, ‘How can I be closer to Phil? How can I know him better? How can we better care for each other?’ And to me that feels like a much more valuable way to spend my time than worrying about labels.”

“Some of the ways I’ve answered those questions fall into the ‘platonic’ framework, others not so much. At least, not according to Wikipedia’s explanation of the term. And, the thing is, I still want to have that closeness, do all of those things that we’ve already been doing.”

“I already said things don’t have to change,” Phil whispers.

Dan gives him a half-smile. “I know. But you also said they _could_ change, if I wanted them to. And it’s very possible and totally alright if my lack of clarity isn’t enough to go on. But Phil” — he reaches out and takes both of Phil’s hands in his own — “you’re my person. I care about you, and I love you, and there isn't anybody I enjoy being around in the same way. So, if that is enough, I would want to find some way to make it official that I’m your person too.”

“Dan,” Phil says, and Dan can hear all of the warmth and care in his tone, _“of course_ you’re my person.”

“And that language, does that work for you? Or do you want something that has the romantic part in there like ‘boyfriends’ or something?”

Phil looks at him carefully. “Is that something you’d be comfortable with?”

Dan bites his lip and then shrugs. “Probably yes, only because it’d mean being boyfriends with _you,_ but perhaps the term implies certain specific feelings that I haven’t figured out yet.”

“Okay, we can come back to it if you’d like. I like calling you my person, anyways — that’s been true since we first met.”

Dan smiles. “You can see why separating out all of the feelings is complicated.”

“Yeah, I do. I’m sorry that it is.”

Dan shakes his head. “I’m not. Having everything with you feel so natural probably helped me sneak past my brain’s panic at any hint of queerness. It’s not an ideal strategy, I’ll admit, but given that I didn’t plan it, I’m pretty damn pleased with where I’ve ended up.”

Phil raises an eyebrow. “In my bed?”

Dan shakes his head with a laugh. “In your arms.”

Phil correctly takes that as his cue to wrap Dan up in a hug and not let go.

“Better?” he asks.

Dan doesn’t hesitate.

“The very best.”

**Author's Note:**

> Like/Reblog [here](https://indistinct-echo.tumblr.com/post/640950946069938176/stay-the-night) :)


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